'The Unmerciful Servant' Reimagined: Safe Enough to Forgive

I don't know if I am the only one, but forgiveness has always been a difficult subject for me since I was very young. If I still feel angry after I have mentally forgiven, have I forgiven? If there is still distance in the relationship, or if I still feel hurt, have I forgiven? How in the world do I make myself forgive and even more importantly, will God forgive me if I am unable to forgive? Is forgiveness actually just a choice? Does it naturally come over time or is that simply stuffing? Does reciting that I forgive every time something comes to mind mean I am forgiving? What do I do when I can't forgive? How can I make myself forgive? 

Adding to the angst of all the questions, there are Biblical accounts that warn of the dangers of unforgiveness. They seem to say that if I can't make myself forgive, then God will oust me or be angry with me. 

Where is God in the forgiveness process? What if the pain sticks to me like glue and I can't seem to move forward? When I am hurting, where is God?

I used to imagine God looking at me sternly with arms crossed refusing me grace, tenderness, love and healing until I could untangle myself from the very tangly web of unforgiveness. If I could forgive then I could find my way back to His love again. My reward for untangling would be my healing. 

I am finding this picture of God is wildly inaccurate. He is not asking for forgiveness from us outside the safety of His presence. Being safe in Him allows us to take off the armor of unforgiveness and give up the false safety it affords. Unforgiveness is usually a wall we build to keep ourselves safe. Proverbs 18:19 says, "A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel." Our walls of 'safety' became our prison.

In Matthew 18:21-30, Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive and Peter thought the cap should be seven times. Jesus went on to tell him that really 539 times was more like it. I imagine Peter looked at the impossibility and then Jesus told a parable:

v. 23 "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26 At this the servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.; 27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 

28 But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. 29 His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.' 

30 But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt."

If I'm totally honest, I used to read this and get confused. It's fairly easy practically and physically to not demand the debt, but how does this work with a heart, emotions, real pain and real relationships where a simple decision seems to be ineffective for changing a heart? 

While reading this parable, I began to wonder what would have happened if the servant would have responded differently. What if he had gone back to the King for help?  How often do we try to work forgiveness on our own without engaging God deeply in our pain? What if the servant, realizing the King was good and generous, asked him for help?

The parable reimagined:

"There once was a King and his servant owed him a debt. The King demanded the debt be paid but the servant realized there was nothing he had that could pay the debt he owed. The servant came and begged the King to forgive the debt and the King gladly paid it out of his own abundant resources. He loved the servant and in his mercy didn't want to see him suffering for his debt. 

Then the servant remembered his servant owed him a small debt. The money was needed for necessary things and the unpaid debt caused the servant hardship and suffering. At first, the servant was angry and wanted to demand repayment so he could take care of his own needs, but then he remembered what the generous King had done for him. Instead, he decided to learn from the generous King who had let him go free.. 

"Good King," he said, "Teach me to forgive and have mercy like you have had mercy on me. I need what is owed to me but I also know you have all the resources I need."

The King smiled, took him under his arm and spoke, "With me, you have more than enough. I will pay his debt and restore to you what is owed. You do not need to demand payment from him. He doesn't have it anyway. You are secure with me. Because of this, you too can let him go free.

What if the abundance of God is not just that we are forgiven, but He has enough provision to help us forgive others too? What if we stopped trying to look to others to repay us what is owed thinking our wholeness depends on their repayment.?

Others don't possess what we need to be fully healed or to live our lives without walls. The only way to live without walls is to be hidden in God because He is the only One who IS Love. Only the One Who IS love and does everything from a heart of love is safe enough.

What if He just wants us to offer Him ourselves and be willing to let Him do the untangling? What if our forgiveness of others doesn't originate with us but is the result of His continuing work of healing in our life? What if all He needs from us is partial open-handedness and a little bit of trust; a reluctant willingness that dares to consider the possibility that it may just be safe enough to let go of the self-made protection. 

We can only let go of unforgiveness by grasping onto God. Our hands may hurt as we open them, but what if it's enough? Instead of trying to dismiss our feelings, hurt and pain that we have experienced at the hands of other imperfect people, we can give God the trust we currently have. We can keep opening our heart and our hands as we walk with Him out of our gated heart and into the open space of forgiveness for ourselves and others He has for us. 

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.                 *God has not only forgiven but is also kind, and tenderhearted towards us. This is what enables us to forgive.

Mark 11:25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”                                                                                                           * Many verses talk about God's refusal to forgive us if we don't forgive others. This is a heart posture of one who refuses to forgive, not one who is willing to be made willing to forgive. Forgiveness is a process and all God needs from us is a willingness to be made willing. He will lead us into forgiveness as we open our hands gradually to Him.

There are many, many verses about unforgiveness!