When Unforgiveness Feels Safer
“Are you willing to be willing?” The question hung in the air like a weighty cloud full of the promise of rain along with the threat that can come with a storm. Would my ‘yes’ invite an unwanted storm or would it be soft and beautiful rain that would wash over my bleeding soul? A lot had happened in the past couple of years that left my heart bruised, disappointed, scarred and wanting to hide. For the most part, I laid my public writing pen down for a couple of years to process, feeling too fragile to write and too unsure of what would come out if I did. Pens can be harmful when they are used as weapons.
The past couple of years have been hard. Mostly hard on our hearts. Anyone who knows me knows I am wordy and my relationship with God is no different. Even as I have laid down my public pen, I have picked up my private one and recorded hours and hours of private conversation with God. We have been going through deep places exploring motives, sources of pain and finding places where my identity is rooted in every other thing but God. In these places I have found pieces of my heart that have dismayed me but more than that, I have found that God’s love goes deeper than whatever I may discover there. He is asking for those places. He has not asked me for something that He does not intend to replace with Himself.
A few weeks ago as I sat with the weighty question, God was asking me to surrender unforgiveness. When He asked me the question, I could see that not only did I have unforgiveness, but I also treasured it like a tattered security blanket. The growing bitterness felt like safety separating me from those who had hurt me. Unforgiveness was masking the pain of loss and the deep feelings of betrayal. Writing people off is a lot easier than learning to love. I have heard many of the teachings, slogans and verses on forgiving, but for me they were falling flat in the face of real pain.
Again, He whispered, “Are you willing to be willing? That’s enough. I can work with that.” Sitting in my chair, wrapped in my morning sweatshirt and sweats, I raised fisted hands looking at them. Deciding. Would there be something else for me to hold onto? I began to realize I needed to open my fisted hands to grab onto the forgiveness He bought so that I could give it.
This question He asked came at the end of a lot of months of processing with Him. We like quick fixes, but He takes His time with us.
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Here is what I am learning about forgiveness:
–We must feel safe enough to forgive
Unforgiveness is a wall. It often feels like protection for us which is why we have such a hard time giving it up. Proverbs 18:19 says, “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a castle.” (NKJV) We are walled in by unforgiveness, but the safety we feel sometimes seems worth it. When we sit with God in the quiet places, He secures us in Him which makes it easier to leave our fortified walls of unforgiveness. He invites us to hide ourselves in Him. Psalm 32:7 says, “You are my hiding place; You preserve me in times of trouble.” He surrounds us with love instead of bitterness and gives us the ability to love those who have hurt us. Forgiveness requires trusting God. Instead of trusting unforgiveness to protect us we have to trust Jesus to defend our hearts.
–God takes our hurt seriously and so should we
It is easy to gloss over hurt, think it is just us, live in shame or minimize what hurt us. Sometimes others minimize our pain as well which can cause us to ignore it altogether or at other times, become even more unforgiving. Pain always indicates there is a problem. We are complicated people and have a lifetime of experiences that go into who we are, so what causes us pain may not have the same effect on another person. What causes another pain, may cause only minimal pain to us. Our measure is not what SHOULD be painful or what makes sense, but what is actually happening internally with us. God is not confused by our pain even if we are. Just like an unattended wound can damage a body, so can unattended pain damage a soul. When there is pain, this is a sign for us to sit with God and process with Him.Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is a wellspring of life.” He will never minimize our pain, but will heal it.
–God can work with willingness
Forgiveness is not something we do to get a star on our chart. We offer our willingness to God, even just our willingness to be made willing, and this gives Him enough space to begin to work in our hearts. His light comes into the dark, pain filled spaces and He begins to change our desires. We find where before we couldn’t even pray for blessing, we start to desire it for the other. Our world expands because we are no longer imprisoned by unforgiveness and toxic thoughts. We begin to see unforgiveness as the cage that it is instead of the security we thought it was.
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That morning, I looked at my fisted hands. Was I even willing to be made willing? I knew enough of God to know He would without a doubt change my heart. I wasn’t even sure I wanted Him to. The unforgiveness felt so comfortable and truth be told, I kind of relished the unforgiveness. It felt good. Slowly, I opened my hands and it felt so hard, but I knew it was good. I was deciding to trust Him instead of the walls I had so carefully crafted around myself. With hands open, I sat there for a while and offered up my unforgiveness to God.
Over the past few weeks, the unforgiveness has gradually been being replaced with love and joy. I haven’t had to think my way through it or grit my teeth and will myself to forgive, rather God has been transforming me into someone who is starting to forgive. Letting go has brought freedom to my heart and my load feels so much lighter. I know this is not the last time I will need to open my hands, but my trust in Him is building and hopefully next time it will be easier.
Unforgiveness promises us so much, but God wants to give us so much more. May we be ones who open our hands and are willing to be made willing.
